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July 29, 2005
Friday 5: Secret Signatures
Today's question, allegedly, comes from me, but there's been no confirmation of that.
With the recent unveiling of famed Watergate source "Deep Throat", a great mysterious chapter of journalism has been closed. However, you now have the chance to leak some incredible secrets to a young, new reporter. What would those five secrets be, and what would your code name be for each of them?
- Lance Armstrong has been secretly receiving injections… of FLU SHOT. That’s right, as someone deep within the billing department of his physician’s office, I can tell you that several months before each of his seven Tour de France victories he was given an injection of the flu vaccine – even though he did not actually have the flu!! If you need more information, call me at the embassy and ask for the “French Tickler”.
- The 9/11 attacks had nothing to do with the Israeli crackdown on the Palestinian town of Jenin. I know the common wisdom promoted by the likes of Juan Cole lays out a clear trail of cause and effect, but I have used my top secret “calendar” device to determine that the incident in Jenin actually occurred six months after the 9/11 attacks, and furthermore, no time travel was involved! If you need me again, just whisper out for “Clue by Four”.
- Ted Kennedy is an alcoholic and a drunk driver. Call me “The Lady of the Lake”.
- All software ships with bugs, but it’s nothing to worry about. It’s going to work fine 99.997% of the time, and when there is a failure, a simple reboot or removal of the offending modules will get things going again. Feel free to contact me: hal9000@discovery.gov.
- Fast food has intentionally been made in such a way as to make you eat it again and again. They have spent billions in research to achieve a particular series of chemical and neurological reactions that will make you think back on the experience pleasantly. In a sign of their depravity, they refer to this insidious undermining of your free will, “making the food taste better.” I’m going to try to sneak in and get more physical evidence of their duplicity, and then I’ll be in touch again. Surreptitiously yours, Hamburglar.
Meme by Dan at July 29, 2005 09:44 AM