December 17, 2005
Friday Five: Sibling Rivalry Goes to Court
Today’s (Ok… yesterday’s) question comes from Gord:
Imagine a royal court in some medieval period, somewhere in the world: it could be medieval Japan, medieval India, medieval Europe, medieval Persia or the Maghrib, or what have you. You are a relatively minor player in this court, as the youngest of the several children entitled to the throne, and chances are you'll never get that far... unless, of course, you plot carefully enough, get the right people killed, and install yourself there. Which five people in the court would you ply with small gifts, tokens of affection, sexual favors, threats of blackmail, or whatever would get them on your side when the time comes for you to make your move for the throne? Please describe each person in terms of his or her position in the court, usefulness, and how he or she was won over to your side.
This is your Evil Overlord filling in for Dan tonight, and ever there was a Friday Five question written for me, this is it.
- The chef: She was an older woman who had gone almost blind in her later years, but that had not prevented her from running her kitchen as efficiently and well-ordered as the fighting ships that would come centuries later. Alas, she also had a softness for certain spices, and my much-derided merchant friends kept me in steady supply. This allowed me a certain freedom in the kitchen that continued even after my sister’s untimely demise of arsenic poisoning.
- The scribe: He was an intelligent and crafty man, willing to cross certain lines to advance a cause. His position as the chief scribe in charge of the royal accounts gave him just the access I needed, and when I promised him such financial reforms as a central bank and paper currency, he was more than willing to make a few adjustments to the accounts. You know, I always said it was a mistake for my closest brother to be in charge of the local rents and taxes. Just where that money went is still a mystery, but perhaps he’s enjoying it in exile.
- The armorer: He was a master craftsman, but he was also obsessed with improving his skill, to make a blade finer than any that had come before. His knowledge of metallurgy was truly profound, perhaps the best in the kingdom, but not in the world. The promise of folded Damascas steel was just too much for him to resist. It’s a pity, though, that his reputation was so marred when the shield he made for my eldest brother, Father’s favorite, failed so tragically at the jousting tournament.
- The maid: She was such a sweet girl and served my parents eagerly since she was old enough to carry a pitcher, but she was gullible and easily confused. Witchcraft and evil spirits were a particular concern of hers. After all, they were everywhere and could easily take on the forms of anyone around us, even loved and trusted figures. Still, she was a faithful servant of God, and I can only assume it was this purity of hers that allowed her to survive the fire that swept through my parents’ bedchamber, consuming all.
- The lover: Ah yes, my lover, that beguiling commoner who both frustrated my mother and aroused my father, who moved invisibly through the court because she was both scorned and protected. And of course, everyone knew that she slept around, but no one dared tell the young prince who seemed so taken with her. Yes, she was an unconventional choice, but she would have made a fine queen. At least, that was enough of a promise for her to efficiently and anonymously clean up the evidence. You know, those little details like the chef’s unfortunate and fatal fall on the ice, the scribe’s startling death from alcohol poisoning, the armorer’s senseless death in a common robbery, and the maid’s guilt-ridden leap from the tower. Yes, she would have made a fine queen indeed were it not for that truly remarkable and inexplicable girdle-related accident she suffered three days before my coronation. Pity, that… truly a pity.
Other Friday Fivers may be found plotting their siblings’ demise here.
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April 18, 2005
Torturing a list meme...
I've been quiet for a while, but I had to come out and torture this little meme, courtesy of HappyTester, who didn't do such a bad job of torturing it herself.
1) Would you eat a severed human foot if someone paid you $50,000 US? No, but I’d gladly do the severing.
2) Do you find the sound of crickets soothing? Beneath my heel, yes?
3) Do you pick scabs? No, I leave that to my middle managers. Bloody unions.
4) If you found a human baby and a kitten starving in the street, who would you feed first if there was no one else around? I’d feed the kitten to the baby, unless, of course, it has the dreaded birthmark that foretells my doom.
5) Has higher math always struck you as pointless? Actually, vector calculus is all about points.
6) Can you ice skate? Yes, I took Ice Skating 305 to fulfill the “Quirky Escape Skill” requirement at Evil Overlord University. Fat lot of good it does me in Texas though.
7) Do you think you will live to turn 80? What... again?
8) What is your favorite historical period? The Plieostene.
9) Do you believe in a supreme being? My, my, you flatter me. I haven’t been called “supreme” in quite some time.
10) Do you believe the rich have a responsibility to bear greater financial burdens in society than the poor or middle class? Heh... good one. Stalin had a line like that. Good old Joe.
11) If the world were a true meritocracy, would you have progressed as far as you have today or farther? How about not as far? Much farther. There seems to be a bias against the evil. We keep getting shuffled into HR.
12) Did the dingo really eat the baby? Yes, but I had to put the A-1 sauce on first.
13) To which do you give precedence when classifying yourself: race, gender, religion, or nationality? None of the above... I think first in terms of alignment.
14) Do you dream in color? I don’t remember. It’s been several decades since I last actually “slept”.
15) Are you primarily diurnal or nocturnal? Both.
16) Do you speak any language fluently besides your native tongue? Yes, I speak the language of the Elder gods, mwuahahaha!
17) If you had the power to create a heaven and select one deceased person worthy of going there, whom would you choose? Hmmm, do I get to have a hand in the “making” of the deceased?
18) Is OJ guilty? Of course not. That was me all along.
19) Would you have sex for money? Only if they take Paypal. Everything else is too much of a hassle these days.
20) Can you play a musical instrument? The pipe organ. It’s an Evil Overlord thing.
21) Have you ever purposefully starved yourself? Only after a really big supper. I’ll go twelve, maybe thirteen hours without a bite.
22) Are you afraid of the ocean? To some extent. After all, it’s pressing down on my secret lair with the force of eight billion metric tons.
23) Do you root for the underdog? Always. It’s fun to watch them close before being crushed.
24) Do you consider most professional sports to have a deeply homoerotic undertone? Hmmm, ladies tennis...check, men’s water polo...check, girls gymnastics... no, wait, that one’s pedophilia.
25) Do you frequently suspect others of having an ulterior motive? Not around me. I have a habit of eliminating those.
26) Do you laugh out loud when you're alone? Hey, maniacal laughter takes practice.
27) Do you know how to ride a horse? Yes, but I prefer transport that does not shit during my conveyance.
28) Have you ever bitten anyone with the intention to harm them? I think they have to still be alive for it to count as “harm”.
29) Do you believe love must always entail sacrifice? Sure, what the hell... sacrifice goes so well with everything else.
30) Would you enter a burning building to retrieve an inanimate object? Sure, but only to press the big red button that activates my super hyper global death ray. Anything else I’m sending HappyTester in for.
31) If you wanted to have children, would you rather adopt or grow your own? Hmmm, can you be a little more specific on what you mean by “have” children?
32) Is your Ebay feedback rating a source of pride to you? Absolutely. I’m ranked at the absolute bottom of customer satisfaction. EBay has cancelled my account three hundred and twelve times. The Fed’s are prosecuting me under the RICO act. Strangely, this hasn’t hurt my sales of Enzyte at all.
33) Do like to play dress-up? Especially dress-up-and-over-the-shoulders.
34) Do you support euthanasia for the terminally ill? Well, how terminal are talking about here? I mean, if they’re really, really terminal, like going to die any day, then what’s the point? Save that poison for someone healthy.
35) Have you ever had a panic attack? Let’s just say I was once conferenced in to a League of Justice staff meeting and thought for a moment my phone wasn’t on mute after all.
36) Ever get the feeling you're being cheated? Everytime someone survives Ebola. You go to that much trouble to create a disease that vicious, you expect results, dammit!
37) Do you have some awful secret you would rather die than have anyone find out about? More to the point, I have some awful secret I’d rather kill you than have anyone find out about.
38) Was Feodor Kuzmich really Alexander in disguise? No, it was me all along you stupid bastards! Don’t you recognize the handwriting?
39) Do you dislike public transportation? I love it. It concentrates the targets.
40) Is there anything you regret? Not cloning Walt Disney when I had the chance.
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September 25, 2004
Why would a just God allow a meme to be tortured so?
Ha -- I'm taking over Dan's blog again to torture another little meme, this time on religion. Thanks to HappyTester for bringing it to me.